The Canker in the Heart of the Rose

I've been up for the entire night and I know that at some point through my 8hr shift at work this muse induced energy is going to wear off and I'm going to crash. And what are the fruits of my labor you might ask, were anyone going to read this anyway. And I would reply to you thus:

I worked a tiny bit on one of my books. While writing I was assailed by memory and nostalgia, crawled into bed and stared at my dark ceiling for several hours, with the lyrics to Angels Of The Silences stuck inside my head. I thought about the deep intracacies that make up life, and how each of us is seperate and still part of this greater Whole that is far to big for my mind to try to encompass. But mostly I thought about love. When I used to blog on Myspace, that was mostly what I wrote about, Love with a capital L. Not just the casual passing love, but the true and undying kind. As I lay awake in bed this is what I thought about. I have loved, but I have also Loved.

So I got up and went and reread the emails I have archived between the Loved one and I, going back to 2005. There were other older ones, but they were on a different account that got deleted. As I read through those emails, I felt again the purity and the rightness of that Love. And still, I don't know what went wrong. I have ideas. One of those is that I had Loved this man for so long, that I built him up in my mind and put him on a pedestal. I was so literally star-struck in his presence that I knew neither up nor down and it was all I could do to hold the particals of myself together.

There is so much more to that story that it is unreal. Suffice to say for now, that I have many questions left unanswered and many answers left unsaid. And that door will never truly be closed until I have the real closure that I need. Closure that I fear I will never get, for even now my heart stops when I see him or hear his name or voice.

Maybe a shower will chase away the memories, and maybe I'll make it through the day without succumbing to exhaustion.

Cheers to my non-existent audience!

Another Blog

No promises, but I'm starting another blog. Maybe I will keep up with this one. Not that it matters, no one reads my blogs anyway.